When Your Partner's Behaviour Concerns you

Hilary Smith

Hilary Smith is a writer with Relationships Aotearoa and an experienced counsellor. www.relationshipsaotearoa.org.nz

It is commonplace these days to hear talk about how couples separate because they are not prepared to work on their relationship. Interestingly, the trend for us to divorce in ever-increasing numbers started in the late 1800s which, using this logic, tells us our great, great grandparents didn't work hard enough on their relationships either. What a relief-we can blame them!

In all probability, societal changes which have supported the right of women to be more independent and equal to men, is a more likely contributor to the current trend in divorce rates. This positive shift has enabled women to leave abusive relationships more easily. However, the recent Men against Violence campaign points to the fact that many women and children live in unsafe environments.

 Amidst this campaign, a number of newspaper articles printed research  which highlighted statistics indicating women as being just as likely to be involved in the perpetration of domestic altercations as men. This type of research is often pounced on by some to support their claim that women can be just as violent as men and both are equally responsible for domestic violence in our communities.

Such claims sidestep the fact that most men are larger, physically stronger and far more likely to inflict serious damage in a domestic dispute. Men need to take responsibility for misusing their strength to dominate others and both men and women need to be held to account for their perpetration of domestic violence.

Domestic violence cannot be justified and its prevalence in our communities cannot be ignored. However, despite lamenting how people lack commitment to their relationship, a huge number of people put up with unacceptable behaviour from their partners. Belief, fear and love keep both men and women in unhealthy relationships despite the concerning behaviour of their partners.

When is your partner's behaviour a problem? The behaviour becomes a problem when the person you are concerned about behaves in a way which is distressing and/or harmful. Alcohol and drugs, abuse, gambling, getting into debt and misusing the family's finances, negatively affect relationships and the health and wellbeing of those closely associated with the drinker, drug user and gambler etc.
Steps you can take

If you are concerned about your partner's behaviour, it is important to Stop thinking about the person with the problem and focus on what their behaviour does to you and others. Think of it as your story of concern and list the behaviours and the impact they have on you and others in your family. After you have developed your story of concern (in your mind or on paper) you might wish to take the following steps:

1. Reflect on the ups and downs of your relationship and the impact it has had on your and your family's physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing. Think about the good things and not so good things your partner's behaviour has brought to the relationship. Note what you have learned from reflecting on your relationship.

2. Often people who are in a close relationship with someone who is behaving badly spend a lot of time trying to change that person. While you can't change the behaviour of another person, there are some things that may be helpful for you to do, such as telling the person the effect their behaviour is having on you.  Write down the things that you would like to see happen before you communicate it to them.

3. Your safety is paramount and you should not make the above request if it compromises your safety.

4. If you are unsafe, develop an escape plan. Try to put money aside, have clothes ready to take with you and develop a list of people who can help you, for example, a friend or the Women's Refuge.

5. Imagine what your relationship would be like if the concerning behaviour stopped? Imagine what your relationship would be like if it continued? Is it worth staying or is it better to leave?

6. If you think it is worth staying, be clear about what you want to change and invite your partner to make change. Remember, in relationships change usually involves both people.

7. Seek professional help if you can't find a way forward. Changing patterns of violence requires professional help.

Change often involves taking two steps forward and one back, however, if the concerning behaviour is set to continue, separation or divorce may be the best option.

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  • Wice says
    No one should be subjected to physical violence and I’m all for separation and divorce when safety is an issue. However there is another kind of violence that I believe is just as damaging and probably more common, but is much more difficult to break away from. This is psychological or emotional abuse.

    It may be shouting, or put downs, undermining behaviour, controlling behaviour, verbal rages, bullying, sulking, blaming, invalidating, publically humiliating you, withholding approval as punishment, criticism, withdrawal, emotional blackmail… The result is that you feel you constantly have to walk on eggshells around your partner and in the end, you lose all your self esteem. Because of this total lack of self-worth, emotionally abused people tend to cling to their partners as they believe no one else would want them.

    In France, the government is introducing a law to help stem emotional abuse in marriage. “This law will make chronic insults and belittling between husbands and wives a criminal offence in France. It is believed to be the first law anywhere to make such a sweeping definition of “psychological violence” within marriage a matter for the courts. he legislation, which is similar to a French law already passed covering psychological abuse in the workplace, will make “conduct or words” repeated for the purpose of damaging the victim’s life and mental health an offence with a penalty of up to three years in jail.”

    I don’t know if this will help and I’m not sure what emotional victims can do to help themselves unless they recognise what is happening and are determined to stop being a victim. I guess it comes down, as usual, to taking personal responsibility. Nothing will change unless you change. It makes me think of the adage “there are no victims, only volunteers’ so that if you recognise that you are in an abusive relationship, then you have to take a stand and do something about it.

    Keep your eyes open for friends who may be suffering from emotional abuse. They may be depressed or withdrawn or just have low self esteem. A more recent symptom I have read about is that victims can withdraw into any internet alternative reality!

    Emotional abuse is often hidden and your support could make all the difference to changing someone’s life for the better.
  • Starlite5 says
    If a person truly loved you they would treasure you in every way shape and form...and vice versa, however if that love turns into physical, emotional or damages your spirit so you think that that's all you deserve then get out! Someone has to want to change their behaviour and until they recognise that what they are doing is damaging the people around them, partner or/and children you can't change them...they have to want to change themselves.
    Walking away from a toxic relationship was one of the hardest things I've ever done but I had to dig deep inside myself with the help of family and friends to figure out that this was the best thing I could do for me and my children and that it wasn't just about me any more. Being separated opened his eyes and made him realised what he had lost and then only then did the slow road to recovery begin...I reiterate..the abuser has to recognise what they are doing is controlling and damaging and if they want you in their life again then they have to make that journey back not you... All I had to do was wake up to myself and say' Hey this is not Ok" and for once in my life put myself first....only then did things start to change for the better and the amazing thing is we taught our children was that there are solutions and ways of making things better ...you just have to try and don't give up.
  • New Member says
    What a terrible statistic! I think that if there is violence in the family, you need to talk about it! Because many of my friend's girls are silent about the fact that their husbands beat them. This is disgusting, it shouldn't be. Girls, dear, if your husband beats you, don't be afraid to contact the police. You can be protected. Think about your future! Also, you can always file for divorce in South Dakota and send documents to your groom by mail, if you are afraid of a personal meeting with him.
  • New Member says
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