In Defense of Canned Beer

For some reason once upon a time, someone decreed that beer in bottles was classier and cooler and better than beer in cans. That bottles should forever and for always be the gold standard of drinking and quality beer. Well guess what, kemosabe?

Beer can faceThey were DEAD WRONG. Well at least that’s what I believe, and guess what…it’s my website! So get ready to be taken to Can School!

I’m ready to present the argument that cans are superior to bottles….is there anyone out there with the plums to take me on? Let me present my arguments with numbers next to them:

1. Cans Are Opaque – Clearly the frontrunner in arguments against bottles, cans aren’t see-through, and therefore impervious to harmful UV rays and the damage of the horrible, accursed, butthole sun. It’s like your own personal keg, and we all know that draught beer is the best beer. Cans deliver beer to your face in it’s purest possible form, untouched by the dillweed rays of Sol, insulating against the trickery of summer. Cans rule.

BOOSH! Is your face ready for the Canpocalypse!?!

2. It’s Environmentally Superior – Cans are way way lighter than some heavy-ass glass. That equates to lighter trucks which means less gas spent on hauling beer from Whereverthehell straight to your ugly mug. Plus, they’re 100% recyclable. Less environmental waste > you getting plastered. Sorry dude.

3. Cans Almost Never Break – But bottles do. In shipping trucks and in retail stores, bottled beers slam against each other every time they’re moved from place to place, increasing your chances for a Shards ‘O Glass cocktail. Cans may scratch, may dent, may even burst…but they’ll never shoot hunks of razor-sharp glass down your throat. That’s the Can Promise!

4. High-Quality Microbeweries Are Already Doing It – Think cans are just for Milwaukee’s Best and Natty Lite? Tell that to Oskar Blues, the kick-ass microbrew who decided to go with cans over bottles and hasn’t looked back since. Their award-winning Old Chub, Dale’s Pale Ale, and Gordon brews (which I’ve all personally tasted) are able to go head-to-head with any microbrew out there. Just like many in the wine industry are moving to plastic corks and screwtops because they’re smarter in the long run, ahead-of-the-curve brewerys are choosing cans over bottles.

“Hi, I’m Gordon Beer, in a can and ready to kick ASS. If you’re feelin’ froggy, then jump sucka!”

5. They Just Drink Better – Maybe it’s just me, but the cans I’ve drank out of seemed way easier to sip or even chug from than most bottles. Not that chugging is the ultimate goal of drinking beer…but when you are chugging beer, cans just seem so much better suited for high-capacity drinking that bottles.

6. The “Ease of Use” Factor – Dismiss it if you want, but ease-of-use is something that cans have in spades. Pull the tab towards you and you’re ready for business. No need to tear up your hand trying to twist a cap off, or having to hunt down a bottle-opener. Want to pack up a bunch to take to the lake or the playground? Cans stack up well and are way more compact than gangly awkward bottles.

So there it is. By my count, that’s Cans: 6, Bottles: 0. If that were a hockey score, it’d be a massacre. So anyone care to dispute me? Take a swing at my argument in the comments* if you think you got the stones. Or if another website cares to take umbrage with me, post it up on your site and if the trackbacks in the comments don’t pick it up, I’ll link to it. I’ve been itchin’ for a showdown.

*And I mean this site’s comments, not like all you crybabies who leave comments on Stumbleupon where I can’t argue with you. That’s just not fair!


Article Author:

Avid drinkers, and supporters of - the team at deliver the best, albeit when awake and sober enough to sit and type without sloshing all over the keyboard, of the net in booze humor, news, reviews, worthwhile drink spots, and general drunken tomfoolery check out their site always a sure bet for a laugh and inspiration 

Sort by
  • Wice says
    All the points seem perfectly valid but the question is one of emotion, not logic. Just as the same woman looks and feels better in a silk rather than a sacking dress, or champagne sips differently from a crystal flute as opposed to a plastic beaker, beer takes on different qualities in a can or a bottle. Hubbie has swapped from home brewing in glass bottles to plastic bottles. I think these are gross and I wouldn't think of drinking it from the plastic bottle.

    Funny that milk is ok in plastic bottles though?
  • Anna says
    i quite like all drinks in cans... theyjust seem more fresh to me... i am always weary though that your lips go on the part thats out haha so clean it first =P
  • Wice says
    Do you drink right from the can Anna? Have you ever cut your lips?
    • Anna says
      nope? dont think i know anyone who has?
    • Mellow says
      There is only one objection of 'canned Beer', that is. 'the one can too many'!........... hic.
      • Anna says
        but isnt that the same issue with bottled beer too?
        • Dee-Dee says
          ..the only major problem I have with cans and bottles is cleaning the blimmin things up afterwards....miraculously there always seems to be no one around when it is clean up time...but as soon as you put the last piece of rubbish away and wipe down the last table they all seem to appear
          • Anna says
            i like cans coz you can stomp them and they take up less room in the rubbish bin!!
            • Dee-Dee says
     can stack cans to lol into nice high pyramids....hehehe
            • Wice says
              Would you feel the same about having canned wine or champagne?
              • Anna says
                nope... but wine you dont drink of of the bottle... unless your really thirsty... but i dont think if mind having those like mixed drinks in cans (actually i think there are quite a few in cans).. as they are kind of just like having a coke in a can...
              • Wice says
                I don't really drink out of either cans or bottles but I'm still interested to know which holds the cold better - drinks packaged in glass or metal?
              • Starlite5 says
                Eewwww! Talking about wine, I went to a game at Eden Park a few years back and went to buy some beers for the guys and a wine for myself and got handed a little tectra pac to which I asked ever so politely "what the heck is this?" to which the gentleman answered "wine". Ok wine from a cask I can from a little cardboard box just seems so wrong! Needlessly to say I drank shandies from that point on...
              • Starlite5 says
                By the way, when you go a tiny little atoll in the middle of the Pacific Ocean then cans are definitely the way to go, better for the enviroment and cheaper on your pocket!
              • Laura_actually says
                Cans are superior, yes.
              • Laura_actually says
                And bottles get wet with condensation.
                • Anna says
                  who would ever think of doing such thing =P

                Post your comment

                Want to have your say?

                It's quick, easy and 100% free.


                Latest discussions

                Endorsed Events

                • SpringBreakFIJI SpringBreakFIJI

                  Secure your motivation for the year by locking in SpringBreak in Fiji, your own exclusive island

                • The Fijian Cup The Fijian Cup

                  The Pacific Touch Rugby festival (Fijian Cup and Kava Cup) is underway on November 2, 2017 and with support from Touch Fiji and...

                • Rock Island VANUATU Rock Island VANUATU

                  From a fully chartered resort, an incredible line up of Kiwi musicians and Rock legends flown in you'll find nothing close to...

                • Summit FIJI Summit FIJI

                  Summit FIJI aims to revolutionise how businesses can approach conferences, corporate retreats and team building weekends