Threesomes

Sarah Gibson

Sarah Gibson is the brains and attitude behind the playful adult toy website sexgear . She is also our official ‘sexpert’.

Threesomes, we’ve all heard about them and they’re a common male fantasy, but are they three times the fun or three times the trouble? Just what do they involve and are people actually doing them?

The basics

A threesome is ‘a form of group sex involving three people of any gender combination’ - and that form really does vary. Some threesomes have a participant in the ‘voyeur role’ – i.e. the invited member could be there to enhance a couples sexual experience or to act out a sexual fantasy, like a guy wanting to watch his partner have sex with another man or woman. Whereas other threesomes will involve all members having sex with each other in a kind of 'mini-orgy'.

Are people actually doing them?

The answer is yes, in 2004 ABC News surveyed 1,500 Americans aged 18 and above and discovered that 14% of adults (and twice as many single men) have had sex in a threesome, while an additional 21% have fantasized about it. You only have to check out the topic on the Sexgear Forum to see that people here in New Zealand are doing it too.

So how do you do it?

Some people will discuss and try threesomes with their friends, some people advertise for partners, and others go to swingers' clubs and parties to meet people with an interest in it too. When it comes to the sex, there’s no instruction manual for proceedings, just use your imagination and make sure all those involved are having a good time.

Rules of engagement

It’s a good idea to set some basic rules if you are considering organising or participating in a threesome. These rules will help you avoid some common mistakes that could land you in an undesirable sexual situation and help you get the most out of your ménage à trois. All those involved will have different limits and comfort levels so understanding and respecting these should be a top priority.

Rules may also be set around alcohol, drunken sex tends to be bad sex so you may want to limit alcohol intake to a drink or two to help loosen up. Sleeping arrangements should be agreed upon before hand, if you are in a relationship the third person sleeping over may be a recipe for disaster. But above all, don't forget about safe sex. Use protection and be careful if you decide to participate in a threesome with people you don't really know – it’s not worth taking risks with your personal safety.

Threesomes with a partner

It’s a bad idea to try and force an unwilling partner into a threesome, and even if both you and your partner are open to trying this experience it’s important to understand that threesomes can open a can of worms that, once opened, can destroy your relationship. Emotions like inadequacy, jealously and bitterness can emerge and cause un-repairable damage. After a threesome, try to minimise those kinds of feelings be reassuring to your partner. Let her know that while you had fun it was only pleasure and experimentation and that there's no one for you but her. That way you may well have more threesome adventures in the future.

Whether you’re in a relationship, are invited into a threesome with a couple or hook up with a couple of friends, it important to go into a threesome with your eyes open. Realising that they are more to do with the experience or lust than a loving relationship should help you avoid any potential disappointment.

 
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  • Lauren says
    I would never risk that with my partner, it'd just feel strange.
  • StillMe says
    Yeah, I'd do it. What the heck. In fact, I could probably pick two guys right now... :)
  • Anna says
    lol most guys dont want two guys.. they want two girls =P
    • Cinty says
      Funny. My husband and I were talking about this the other night. He reckons I wouldn't be able to 'handle' two guys. But he said with two girls, he'd just sit and watch lol.
      • StillMe says
        Just have to find the right guys :)
      • KH says
        Not for me...
      • Anna says
        yer but.. like i dunno.. might be good to spice thigs up ince n a while?? lol i decide this sometimes but then i think could i stand seeing my guy kissing another chick or doing anything with another chick and i know the answers no... so i dunno....
      • kano11 says
        I think that to do this you must be unhappy in your relationship - well not satisfied enough! I have had friends had their relationships ruined by doing this. Hey each to their own but not my thing!
      • Wice says
        Two’s company. Three’s a crowd!

        I recall my Mum saying to me that by simply existing, you share yourself with the world. Every time that you talk, you smile, you wave, you run, you cough, you are expressing yourself to those around you.

        Sharing your body sexually, is the one thing that you can consciously keep as something special. To give your body totally freely and with love and is the ultimate intimacy. If you truly love someone, this is the greatest gift you can give them and condoms, pills, whatever – the chance a new life could result from your union!

        You think it might be fun to have sex with two guys at once? The best result - maybe it is temporarily, a great sexual turn on. The worst result – you lose your self-respect, these guys and their friends’ respect, you get pregnant and don’t know who the father is.

        What about sex with another woman and a man? Your guy? Her guy? How will you feel when you meet either of them in the future? How will you feel about yourself – good enough to tell your Mum, your future man, your daughter about this great experience?

        Your body is yours to use as you please and no one can tell you what to do with it. It is a personal choice. However, since you only get one body, then perhaps you should think about respecting it and loving it.

        If you had a Lamborghini, would leave it with the keys in it, the doors open, ready for any Tom, Dick or Harry to drive, to crash, to get their kicks in? Is your body of less value than a car?

        Whatever happened to the magic of making love?
      • Starlite5 says
        Great as a fantasy but I don't think I'd be able to go through with the real thing but then you never until you're in the moment do you?
      • New Member says
        I think everybody wants to feel like the other woman sometimes — that “I would risk everything just for a couple of hours with you” — but as you pointed out, it doesn’t last.

        polyamorous relationship

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